it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
sent the pic of my tit to the wrong bbm chatroom
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
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