I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
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