The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
where am i from again
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Randomize
