Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Randomize
