Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
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