so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
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