my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
Randomize
