she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Randomize
