I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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