i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
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