mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
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