I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
Randomize
