Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Randomize
