And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Randomize
