If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
