what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
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