well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Randomize
