the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Randomize
