Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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