i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
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