Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize