I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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