i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Randomize
