Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
