Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
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