My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
I just blew my weed a kiss
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
