I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
Randomize
