I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
