I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
