When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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