Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
Barsexuality is the new black.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
