I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
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