The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
Randomize
