I'm gonna have a badass scar
are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
