last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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