I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
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