The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
Randomize
