i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Randomize