Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
Randomize