question: from what angle do you give a hand job. im confused..
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
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