The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
Randomize
