I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
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