I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
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