what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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