but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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