he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize