matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
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