Just cropdusted the office
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
Girls should come with a carfax report
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Randomize
