I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize
