I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Randomize