You smell like a Billy Joel song
it hurts more in the daytime
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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