I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Randomize
