On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
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