Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
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